by Sye Ten Bruggencate
First, no one needs to point out the irony of a man who has never been
married telling others why so many marriages fail. I realize that the
subject is off topic from this website but I heard a talk recently from a Christian marriage counselor and I felt that the information was important enough to share.
The reason marriages fail is because
they are built on the wrong foundation. They are built on the foundation
of ‘being in love.’ This may surprise some people, but let me explain.
The Biblical definition of love is best summed up in the familiar
passage from 1 Corinthians 13:4–8:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
With this definition of love we can see
that people do not fall ‘in love.’ Can people ‘fall into kindness?’ Can
people fall into ‘not delighting in evil,’ or ‘protecting’ or
‘trusting?’ People fall into arousal, they CHOOSE to love.
The Bible does not teach that people should be ‘in love’ with their spouses, but it does command people to love them.
The Christian marriage, then, is a
marriage where a man and woman make a covenant before God to love each
other, not a display that they are in love. Sure it would be wonderful
to be ‘in love,’ in fact I can’t imagine marrying someone I was not ‘in
love’ with, but that is not what Christian marriage is about.
If people get married because they ‘fall in love,’ it makes perfect sense to end that marriage if they ‘fall out of love.’
In Christian marriage, the reason to be
faithful and remain married is not because your spouse is wonderful or
worthy of love, but because of the vow you made in the presence of
Almighty God to love that person.
For those who are not yet married, don’t
decide if you are in love with your chosen partner, but decide if you
are willing to choose to love this person for the rest of your life, and
to make that commitment before God.
Think of the reason God loves you. Would
anyone be so deluded as to say that God loves them because they are
worthy of love? Surely not! God loves us because he chooses to love us.
Our marriages should be built on the foundation of choosing to love as
well.