A Study and Discussion on Marriage, Divorce, and Adultery
In the movie The Mexican, with Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts, Julia’s character, Samantha Barzel, asked the question, “When two people truly love each other, when do they reach that point where enough is enough?”
Excellent question!
The answer, of course, is, “Never!”
Love never ends, as you will read in 1 Corinthians 13:8a. If you reach the point where you can call it quits and file for divorce, then it is quite likely that you never truly loved each other to begin with. You never allowed love to take root and you never nurtured love so that it could grow. Loving another person is hard work, work from which you are never allowed a vacation.
For most people in this world, their “love” is nothing more than lust, infatuation, emotion, or passion wrapped up in self-seeking self-interest while masquerading as “love.” They have no clue what real love is or what it is all about. Love is not a feeling or an emotion. Love is a decision. It involves the will. When you choose to love somebody, your decision has a much stronger and firmer foundation than a simple feeling of love. Feelings come and go. Decisions last for a lifetime.
Prior to having gotten married, you should have asked yourself, Why do I love this person? What do I love about this person? Why do I want to marry this person? Can I commit to them for a lifetime? Perhaps you were in love with an endearing quality that your spouse possessed, such as kindness, but as time wore on that quality vanished. It may be that that quality vanished because you never appreciated it. Perhaps you were in love with a physical feature that your spouse possessed, such as his/her hair, but circumstances in life, such as cancer, removed that feature.
If you marry a person because of some quality that he/she possesses, you might want to consider the fact that that quality needs nurturing from you if it will grow stronger. A little appreciation goes a long way. If you marry someone because of his/her looks, you might want to consider the fact that as she has children or as he/she grows older those looks change. That person will put on some extra weight, lose some hair, develop wrinkles, etc.
What if that person is involved in a serious automobile accident and has his/her face horribly cut up, or loses all use of his/her lower extremities and must be pushed around in a wheelchair for the rest of his/her life? Do you honestly love the other person to remain with them in these life-altering states “until death do us part”? If you cannot, then you do not truly love the other person. You only “love” them as long as they continue to meet your ideals.
There are several excellent examples of love in the Bible. Three such examples are Hosea and Gomer, God and Israel, and Christ and His Church. Neither God, Christ, nor Hosea gave up on love. God’s faithfulness to His bride was never conditioned upon the faithfulness of His bride. I am sure I do not have to tell you the numerous times in the Bible where Israel was unfaithful to God, committing adultery against Him. Likewise, when our sin nailed Christ to the cross, His love never gave up on us. True love never gives up, never quits, and never surrenders. It “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Many Christians today like to turn to Matthew 5:31-32 and Matthew 19:3-9 in order to support their belief regarding divorce. I believe that many of these Christians are no doubt either Liberal “Christians” or else simply misinformed Christians who have been taught incorrectly. Is there truly a cause for Christians to divorce, according to Scripture? Does Jesus truly give us occasion for divorce? Before looking at those passages, look with me to the account of Mary and Joseph and the coming of the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. This is how Scripture tells the story:
Please keep this passage in mind as you read the two passages from Matthew that speak of divorce. Look with me also at the parallel passages found in Mark and Luke. Scripture puts them this way:
You see, Malachi 2:14-16 clearly states that God hates divorce: “‘For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel” (v. 16). Now, are we to understand that Jesus, Who is God, Who hates divorce, turned around and gave a cause for divorce? No, because He did no such thing, as Matthew 19:4-6 tells us. The Pharisees came up to Jesus, testing Him, and asked if it was lawful to divorce for any reason. Jesus’ response to their testing is found in verses 4-6. After Jesus made this statement, the Pharisees, who knew exactly what Jesus had just said, then tried to pit Moses against Jesus by asking Him why Moses allowed divorce (by the way, Moses never allowed it, he regulated it [Deuteronomy 24:1-4]). Jesus then sets them straight and tells them that Moses did so because of the hardness of their hearts, but it was not this way from the beginning. When two people are married, God joins them together as one flesh, and Jesus declared to the Pharisees “What God has joined together let no man separate.”
With regard to Moses, there exists in the King James Version a translational error from the Hebrew that, when read, seems to imply the instituting of divorce. S. R. Driver says with reference to this passage:
Likewise, to the same effect, Joseph Reider comments:
Excellent question!
The answer, of course, is, “Never!”
Love never ends, as you will read in 1 Corinthians 13:8a. If you reach the point where you can call it quits and file for divorce, then it is quite likely that you never truly loved each other to begin with. You never allowed love to take root and you never nurtured love so that it could grow. Loving another person is hard work, work from which you are never allowed a vacation.
For most people in this world, their “love” is nothing more than lust, infatuation, emotion, or passion wrapped up in self-seeking self-interest while masquerading as “love.” They have no clue what real love is or what it is all about. Love is not a feeling or an emotion. Love is a decision. It involves the will. When you choose to love somebody, your decision has a much stronger and firmer foundation than a simple feeling of love. Feelings come and go. Decisions last for a lifetime.
Prior to having gotten married, you should have asked yourself, Why do I love this person? What do I love about this person? Why do I want to marry this person? Can I commit to them for a lifetime? Perhaps you were in love with an endearing quality that your spouse possessed, such as kindness, but as time wore on that quality vanished. It may be that that quality vanished because you never appreciated it. Perhaps you were in love with a physical feature that your spouse possessed, such as his/her hair, but circumstances in life, such as cancer, removed that feature.
If you marry a person because of some quality that he/she possesses, you might want to consider the fact that that quality needs nurturing from you if it will grow stronger. A little appreciation goes a long way. If you marry someone because of his/her looks, you might want to consider the fact that as she has children or as he/she grows older those looks change. That person will put on some extra weight, lose some hair, develop wrinkles, etc.
What if that person is involved in a serious automobile accident and has his/her face horribly cut up, or loses all use of his/her lower extremities and must be pushed around in a wheelchair for the rest of his/her life? Do you honestly love the other person to remain with them in these life-altering states “until death do us part”? If you cannot, then you do not truly love the other person. You only “love” them as long as they continue to meet your ideals.
There are several excellent examples of love in the Bible. Three such examples are Hosea and Gomer, God and Israel, and Christ and His Church. Neither God, Christ, nor Hosea gave up on love. God’s faithfulness to His bride was never conditioned upon the faithfulness of His bride. I am sure I do not have to tell you the numerous times in the Bible where Israel was unfaithful to God, committing adultery against Him. Likewise, when our sin nailed Christ to the cross, His love never gave up on us. True love never gives up, never quits, and never surrenders. It “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Many Christians today like to turn to Matthew 5:31-32 and Matthew 19:3-9 in order to support their belief regarding divorce. I believe that many of these Christians are no doubt either Liberal “Christians” or else simply misinformed Christians who have been taught incorrectly. Is there truly a cause for Christians to divorce, according to Scripture? Does Jesus truly give us occasion for divorce? Before looking at those passages, look with me to the account of Mary and Joseph and the coming of the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. This is how Scripture tells the story:
18Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they were come together [married] she was found to be with child by the Holy Spirit. 19And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away [divorce] secretly. 20But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. 21She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.” 22Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet: 23“BEHOLD, THE VIRGIN SHALL BE WITH CHILD AND SHALL BEAR A SON, AND THEY SHALL CALL HIS NAME IMMANUEL,” which translated means, “GOD WITH US.” 24And Joseph awoke from his sleep and did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him, and took Mary as his wife, 25but kept her a virgin until she gave birth to a Son; and he called His name Jesus.In that portion of Scripture, you will notice that Mary and Joseph were only betrothed—they were not yet married. Yet, they referred to each other as husband and wife. This is because in Jewish custom and culture of the day they had a betrothal period of about one year. Within that period, if one was unfaithful toward the other they could seek divorce. This is why Joseph sought to divorce Mary. He believed that she had been unfaithful to him in their betrothal. But the angel of the Lord comforted him with the fact that she had not been unfaithful, but rather it was the doing of the Holy Spirit.
(Matthew 1:18-25)
Please keep this passage in mind as you read the two passages from Matthew that speak of divorce. Look with me also at the parallel passages found in Mark and Luke. Scripture puts them this way:
31It was said, “WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE”; 32but I say to you, that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity [fornication], makes her commit adultery: and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.Now, why is it that Matthew is the only book wherein you suppose you can find a cause for divorce? Why does it not appear neither in Mark nor in Luke? Why does it not appear in any of Paul’s writings? For your answer, you must ask yourself who Matthew was addressing when he wrote his book. The book of Matthew was written to the Jews. Therefore, you must consider what he is writing in context with their culture and customs of that day.
(Matthew 5:31-32)
3Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” 4And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, 5and said, ‘FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH”? 6So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” 7They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND HER AWAY?” 8He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. 9And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality [fornication], and marries another woman commits adultery.
(Matthew 19:3-9)
2Some Pharisees came up to Jesus, testing Him, and began to question Him whether it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife. 3And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” 4They said, “Moses permitted a man TO WRITE A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND HER AWAY.” 5But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6But from the beginning of the creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE. 7FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, 8AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” 10In the house the disciples began questioning Him about this again. 11And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman, commits adultery against her. 12and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.
(Mark 10:2-12)
18Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.
(Luke 16:18)
You see, Malachi 2:14-16 clearly states that God hates divorce: “‘For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel” (v. 16). Now, are we to understand that Jesus, Who is God, Who hates divorce, turned around and gave a cause for divorce? No, because He did no such thing, as Matthew 19:4-6 tells us. The Pharisees came up to Jesus, testing Him, and asked if it was lawful to divorce for any reason. Jesus’ response to their testing is found in verses 4-6. After Jesus made this statement, the Pharisees, who knew exactly what Jesus had just said, then tried to pit Moses against Jesus by asking Him why Moses allowed divorce (by the way, Moses never allowed it, he regulated it [Deuteronomy 24:1-4]). Jesus then sets them straight and tells them that Moses did so because of the hardness of their hearts, but it was not this way from the beginning. When two people are married, God joins them together as one flesh, and Jesus declared to the Pharisees “What God has joined together let no man separate.”
There is no such fountain on Earth as marriage. Woman takes her being from man, man takes his well-being from woman. As God by creation made two of one, so again by marriage He made one of two.Look with me to what Paul had to say through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Here is how Scripture records Paul’s words:
—Thomas Adams
10But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11(but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.In this passage, Paul sets forth his understanding of Jesus’ teachings (and remember, Paul was taught of the Lord Jesus for three years [Gal. 1:12, 18] and his words were inspired by the Holy Spirit). Paul makes it abundantly clear in these two verses that what he is saying comes directly from the Lord and not from himself. According to these two verses, if a Christian separates, God commands you to pursue reconciliation rather than to re-marry. Otherwise, you are commanded to remain unmarried.
(1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
Marriage of believers is for life, 10-11. The Christian wife is not to leave her husband. If she does, she is to forfeit marrying again. Likewise the Christian husband is not to leave his wife. Loose pagan views of marriage must be abandoned.Let us continue:
Merrill F. Unger, The New Unger's Bible Handbook, p.493.
12But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15Yet if the unbelieving one separates, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. 16For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?In this Holy Spirit-inspired portion of Scripture, Paul—not the Lord—says, that if a Christian is married to an unbeliever—whether he/she married him/her by choice or was himself/herself saved later—and the unbeliever is content to remain with him/her, the Christian is not to seek divorce from the unbeliever whatsoever. The unbeliever is sanctified because of the believer. You do not know whether or not you will save your spouse, so if they are content to stay with you, do not divorce them. But if the unbeliever decides to seek divorce, the Christian is to let him/her go because the Christian is not under bondage in such cases. You are called to peace and if you force them to stay, you will have none of it. What Paul advises here does not negate what God said first in verses 10 and 11! There is nothing in this passage that gives the Christian the okay to re-marry.
(1 Corinthians 7:12-16)
The general principle is that insofar as possible every effort is to be made to maintain the status quo at the time of becoming a believer, 12-24. Applied to the marriage union, it means the saved partner is to do everything possible to maintain the union, and win the unsaved partner to the Lord. The children are privileged to be in a circle of Christian instruction when even one parent is saved, 14.Now, there is biblical grounds for separation (such as with an abusive husband), but the end goal should always be reconciliation (get him some help, pray for his salvation, charge him with assault if need be, and restore what God joined together). Otherwise, you are commanded to remain single for the rest of your life, or until your spouse dies.
With regard to Moses, there exists in the King James Version a translational error from the Hebrew that, when read, seems to imply the instituting of divorce. S. R. Driver says with reference to this passage:
"The rend. of A.V., R.V., is not here quite exact; v. 1-3 form the protasis, stating the conditions of the case contemplated, v. 4 is the apodosis."However, if you read this passage in the New American Standard Bible or the English Standard Version (or in an Interlinear Bible) you will see that it is a regulating of divorce. Consider what Hebrew scholars C. F. Keil and F. Delitzsch had to say concerning this passage:
S. R. Driver, The International Critical Commentary,
A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on Deuteronomy, p. 269.
"In these verses ... divorce is not established as a right; all that is done is, that in case of a divorce a reunion with the divorced wife is forbidden, if in the meantime she had married another man, even though the second husband had also put her away, or had died. The four verses form a period, in which vv. 1-3 are the clauses of the protasis, which describe the matter treated about; and v. 4 contains the apodosis, with the law concerning the point in question."
Keil & Delitzsch, Commentary On the Old Testament, p. 950.
Likewise, to the same effect, Joseph Reider comments:
"The chief concern of the law is to prevent remarriage after divorce. Consequently vv. 1-3 must be construed as the protatis and v. 4 alone as the apodosis."Because of their hardness of heart, they were already divorcing; so Moses wrote to regulate their actions. Compare the three translations below:
Joseph Rider, Deuteronomy with Commentary, p220.
1When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. 2And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife. 3And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; 4Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.John Murray had this to say concerning the above observations:
(Deuteronomy 24:1-4, KJV)
1When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, 2and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man's wife, 3and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, 4then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance.
(Deuteronomy 24:1-4, NASB)
1When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, 2and if she goes and becomes another man’s wife, 3and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, 4then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance.
(Deuteronomy 24:1-4, ESV)
"These observations with respect to construction are of primary importance because they show that this passage does not make divorce mandatory in the case of the indecency or uncleanness concerned. It is not even to be understood as encouraging or advising men to put away their wives in such a case."
John Murray, Divorce, p. 6.
Let us look again at those passages pertaining to divorce. Many people fail to pay any attention to this, but the Bible informs us that re-marriage after divorce is actually adultery. You do not believe me? Let us allow Scripture to speak for itself:
Let us dummy-down what we have just looked at. You have A married to B. Then A divorces B. According to Matthew 5:32, A causes B to commit adultery because A has divorced B. If C marries B, C commits adultery. According to Matthew 19:9, if A marries D, A commits adultery. D would also be committing adultery for the same reason that C would be, even though D and C could be said to be “innocent.” According to Mark 10:11-12, if A divorces B and marries D, A commits adultery against B; and if B divorces A and marries C, B commits adultery against A. According to Luke 16:18, if A marries D, A commits adultery, and if C marries B, C commits adultery. The only person not directly said to be committing adultery in these passages is D. But if C is held to commit adultery for marrying the “innocent” divorced party, then D must be held to commit adultery for marrying the guilty divorcing party. All four individuals who could potentially be in this scenario are said to be committing adultery. Paul makes things abundantly more clear for us when he says that your options, if you divorce, are simple:
32Everyone who divorces his wife . . . makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.As you can see, adultery is taking place after the divorce. The grammar of the Greek word translated “commits” in these verses is in the middle voice, meaning that it is present tense continuous, which is a constant state of adultery. For every minute they remain in their re-marriage, they are committing adultery. Why? Because the covenant has not been disavowed. Malachi 2:14 says, “Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.” Do you see that? She is your companion and your wife by covenant! Every covenant in the Bible is until death, and marriage is no different, as is evidenced by our vows: “Until death do us part.” With regard to vows, examine Ecclesiastes 5:4-5.
(Matthew 5:32)
9Whoever divorces his wife . . . and marries another woman commits adultery.
(Matt. 19:9)
11Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; 12and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.
(Mark 10:11-12)
18Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.
(Luke 16:18)
4When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it; for He takes no delight in fools. Pay what you vow! 5It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay.When we marry, we declare vows and enter into a covenant (not a contract) not only with our spouse but also with God, and we do so before God and our witnesses (friends and family). The marriage covenant is entered into by three people: God, the husband, and the wife. Only death can abolish the marriage covenant (murder does not count), enabling a person to re-marry. The fact that this is true is verified by Scripture:
2For the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law concerning her husband. 3So then, if while her husband is living she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress though she is joined to another man.If we marry an unbeliever and they leave us, we are still bound by our vows and by our covenant. Why? Because two of the three covenant parties still remain locked in that covenant—God and the believer. If we value these things and desire to honour and glorify God, we will remain single for the rest of our life or until God restores that relationship or until that spouse dies. In 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, which are Paul’s words, not God’s (although they are still inspired by the Holy Spirit), he never says that the Christian is free to re-marry—ever. In fact, doing so would contradict what he just admitted God has said in verses 10-11.
(Romans 7:2-3)
39A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.
(1 Corinthians 7:39)
Let us dummy-down what we have just looked at. You have A married to B. Then A divorces B. According to Matthew 5:32, A causes B to commit adultery because A has divorced B. If C marries B, C commits adultery. According to Matthew 19:9, if A marries D, A commits adultery. D would also be committing adultery for the same reason that C would be, even though D and C could be said to be “innocent.” According to Mark 10:11-12, if A divorces B and marries D, A commits adultery against B; and if B divorces A and marries C, B commits adultery against A. According to Luke 16:18, if A marries D, A commits adultery, and if C marries B, C commits adultery. The only person not directly said to be committing adultery in these passages is D. But if C is held to commit adultery for marrying the “innocent” divorced party, then D must be held to commit adultery for marrying the guilty divorcing party. All four individuals who could potentially be in this scenario are said to be committing adultery. Paul makes things abundantly more clear for us when he says that your options, if you divorce, are simple:
- remain single for the rest of your life,
- reconcile with your spouse, or
- wait until your spouse dies before you can legitimately re-marry.
According to Scripture, Bathsheba is never referred to as David’s wife, but always as Uriah’s wife (Matt. 1:6). When Herodias divorced her husband Phillip and married Herod, John the baptizer referred to her as “Phillip's wife” (Matt. 14:3-4; Luke 3:19). In God's eyes, you are the husband/wife of your divorced spouse because He never annulled that marriage.
With regard to the supposed “exception clause” found in the book of Matthew, further help in discerning what Matthew was saying can be gleaned from the original Greek when we look at the words that he used. This is what John Piper had to say from his study on the subject:
The joining together of two people is more than merely physical joining. Through sexual intimacy, you are joined to the other person physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That is why the book of 1 Corinthians warns, “Do you not know that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them the members of a harlot? God forbid! Do you not know that He which is joined to a harlot is one body? For He said, ‘two shall be one flesh’” (6:15-16). In the movie Vanilla Sky, with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz, Cameron’s character, Julie Gianni, asks, “Don’t you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not?” That is putting Paul in contemporary lingo. Once a relationship becomes a unit, God intends it to remain that way. In her excellent book Wait For Me, Rebecca St. James uses this illustration:
Is there just cause for Christians to divorce today? No! It is unbiblical, not to mention entirely saturated with selfishness. Despite Gomer’s unfaithfulness to Hosea, did Hosea ever divorce Gomer? No. Despite Israel’s unfaithfulness to God, did God ever divorce Israel? No. Despite our unfaithfulness to Christ, does He ever divorce us? No. So why, after you have vowed those sacred vows of unity, “to love, honour, and cherish each other for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse”, do you divorce your spouse? Why, after you have joined yourself to your spouse physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually through sexual intimacy, do you divorce your spouse?
As a Christian, there is never a just cause for filing for divorce. Marriage is a picture of the Gospel. The Gospel teaches us that despite all our sins we can have forgiveness through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:7; Colossians 1:14) and reconciliation to God the Father (Romans 5:10; 2 Corinthians 5:18). If we, as Christians, divorce, what does that tell the world about the Gospel of Jesus Christ if we cannot forgive and be reconciled to each other? What does it tell the world about Christ and His Church? Ask yourself, “If Jesus Christ forgave all of my iniquities, when they were great and heinous acts of rebellion against Him, why can I not—being made in His image and conforming to His likeness—forgive my spouse of his/her iniquities against me?”
If your spouse commits adultery against you, there is no doubt that you would indeed be hurt, you would indeed be angry, and it would indeed be difficult for you to trust him/her again—but not impossible. As much as his/her adultery would hurt you, if you consider all the heinous sins you have committed against Jesus, minute after minute, day after day, year after year, how much pain did you cause Christ? How much pain did He feel on His way to the cross because of your sins? How much pain did He feel when God’s wrath was poured on Him because of your sins? If Christ can forgive you of all your sins against Him, then surely you can forgive your spouse for committing adultery against you. If you are to be anything like Christ, you must.
Jesus said that if we have anything against our brother, we need to go and be reconciled to him (Matthew 5:23-24). In order to be reconciled to him, there must be forgiveness. If there is forgiveness, there will be reconciliation. The two go hand in hand. Jesus said that we must forgive 70 multiplied by 7 times (Matthew 18:22), which means there should be no end to our forgiveness. If we are genuinely forgiving, then there will be reconciliation because that is what forgiveness does—it reconciles.
When Jesus forgives us, we are reconciled to the Father (Romans 5:10; 2 Corinthians 5:18). If we were not reconciled to the Father, then we would not truly have forgiveness. The same is true within marriage. If either spouse commits adultery against the other, genuine forgiveness would and must result in reconciliation. Genuine forgiveness requires reconciliation. If we are who and what we claim to be—Christians, and if we desire to be like Christ, then this is a command for us. We need to think of Christ, think like Christ, and act like Christ.
Even with the sin of adultery, husband and wife can forgive and be reconciled and the marriage can be healed and prosper. Harmony can be restored and the home can be rebuilt. These are the works of God. This is the power of God. If we are Christians and if we are Christ-like, these are our works because we are the image of Christ. Even if adultery took place, we are commanded to forgive and to be reconciled because of what marriage pictures and represents.
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the fornicator and adulterer.” Not just among Christians, among all! Marriage is a serious matter; a serious institution to enter into. It is not to be entered into or taken lightly! We need to guard our hearts and protect the sanctity of our marriage, not allowing ourselves to be placed in compromising situations (1 Thessalonians 5:22) that could open us to temptation and lead us into sin (James 1:14-15), thereby defiling the marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4; Proverbs 6:32). The problem today is that most parents are no longer preparing their children for marriage and most people do not know how to be married. Nobody takes marriage serious any more; they think it is just a game. Most think the Hollywood-ized version of marriage is normal. God sees it quite differently, I assure you.
With regard to God judging adulterers, let us see what Scripture has to say:
If you have divorced, whether having children or not with your first spouse, and there is still opportunity to reconcile with the other person, please obey God and seek to restore what He meant for life. If you seek to honour what God has joined together, He will bless you for it. Otherwise, realize that you are commanded to remain unmarried, for re-marriage is disobedience and is to commit adultery.
If you have re-married, you need to realize that your actions to divorce and re-marry were wrong and that God does not recognize this unsanctioned second union as a marriage. He will not bless it. You need to kneel before the throne of God, confess your sin of separating what God joined together for life, and repent of your sin by leaving this second union. It may mean that you will have to pay child support, but it is better to be in God's graces than to be in a constant state of adultery for which you have no inheritance in the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9-10; Gal. 5:19-21; Heb. 13:4). Only after doing this can you take hold of God's forgiveness. You may have divorced and re-married in your unsaved days, or you may have done so as an ignorant Christian thinking the Bible supported such things. Either way, now that you know the truth, honour God by doing what is right. God does offer forgiveness. Take hold of it and live it out.
With that being said, I must now issue a warning. As a Christian who knows the truth about marriage, divorce, and re-marriage, never presume on the forgiveness of God. In other words, if you know it is wrong to divorce your spouse and re-marry, planning to do so anyway because God will forgive you is a presumption upon His forgiveness. I would not presume on His forgiveness when you are deliberately pre-meditating the committal of sin. You may find out that you do not have His forgiveness after all. Remember, God wants your obedience.
People often ask where grace comes in if you are not permitted to divorce and then re-marry. Do you honestly want to know where grace comes in? Do you? Grace comes in when you are able to forgive your spouse for having committed adultery against you and reconcile with her, strengthening your marriage more than it has ever been. People understand the sin perfectly well, yet are always trying to find some loophole that enables them to commit the sin. These people need to read and understand Matthew 19:12.
With regard to the supposed “exception clause” found in the book of Matthew, further help in discerning what Matthew was saying can be gleaned from the original Greek when we look at the words that he used. This is what John Piper had to say from his study on the subject:
The second thing that began to disturb me was the question, why does Matthew use the Greek word πορνεια (porneia, “sexual immorality”) instead of the word μοιχεια (moicheia) which means adultery? Sexual immorality in marriage would naturally be adultery. But the word Matthew uses to express Jesus’ meaning is one that usually means fornication or sexual immorality without reference to marital unfaithfulness. Almost all commentators seem to make the assumption again that porneia refers to adultery in this context. The question nagged at me why Matthew would not use the word for adultery (moicheia), if that is in fact what he meant.John Piper is correct. If Jesus (and Matthew’s record of it) meant adultery, then the word for adultery—moicheia—would have been used, just as it appears after the so-called “exception” (5:32; 19:9). But it is not. The word used is porneia, which refers to sexual immorality without reference to marital unfaithfulness. The fact that these words are not synonyms of each other and are not interchangeable is seen within the multiple passages that use them side-by-side: Matthew 15:19; Mark 7:21; Galatians 5:19; 1 Corinthians 6:9; Hebrews 13:4. If porneia includes adultery, then why not simply use that word alone? To use moicheia alongside it is redundant if porneia refers to all sexual sins including adultery.
Then I noticed something very interesting. The only other place besides Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 where Matthew uses the word porneia is in Matthew 15:19 where it is used alongside moicheia. Therefore, the primary contextual evidence for Matthew’s usage is that he conceives of porneia as, in some sense, different than adultery. Could this mean, then, that in Matthew’s record of Jesus’ teaching he is thinking of porneia in its more usual sense of fornication or incest or prostitution that does not denote marital unfaithfulness, that is, adultery?
The next clue in my search for an explanation came when I noticed the use of porneia in John 8:41 where Jewish leaders indirectly accuse Jesus of being born of porneia. In other words, since they don’t accept the virgin birth, they assume that his mother Mary had committed fornication and that Jesus was the result of this act. On the basis of that clue I went back to study Matthew’s record of Jesus’ birth in Matthew 1:18-20.
The word for divorce (απολυσαι) is the same as the word in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. but most important of all, Matthew says that Joseph was “just” in making the decision to divorce Mary, presumably on account of her assumed porneia, fornication. In other words, this “divorce” was permitted according to Matthew.
Only Matthew has told that story of the crisis Joseph faced in whether to marry his betrothed even though she, as far as he knew at first, had committed fornication (πορνεια). In handling this crisis he called Joseph “just” in the plan to “divorce” her. That means that Matthew, as a follower of Jesus, would not consider this kind of “divorce” wrong. It would not have prevented Joseph (or Mary) from marrying another.
Since only Matthew had told this story and raised this question, he was the only Gospel writer who would feel any need to make clear that Jesus’ absolute prohibition of divorce followed by remarriage did not include a situation like Joseph and Mary’s. That is what I think he does with the exception clauses. He records Jesus saying, “Whoever divorces his wife—not including, of course, the case of fornication [πορνεια] between betrothed couples—and marries another, commits adultery.”
A common objection to this interpretation is that both in Matthew 19:9 and in Matthew 5:31-32 the issue Jesus is responding to is marriage, not betrothal. The point is pressed that “except for fornication” is irrelevant to the context of marriage. My answer is that this irrelevancy is precisely the point of the exception clause. Whether it sounds irrelevant in the context depends on how you hear it. I don’t think it sounds pointless if you hear it the way I just suggested or if Matthew 5:32 goes like this: “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife—excluding, of course, the case of fornication [πορνεια] during betrothal—makes her commit adultery.” In this way Jesus makes clear that the action his earthly father almost took—to “divorce” Mary because of πορνεια—would not have been unjust. It would have been right. That is the kind of situation the exception clause is meant to exclude.
This interpretation of the exception clause has several advantages:
- It does not forces Matthew’s Gospel to disagree with the seemingly plain, absolute meaning of Mark and Luke.
- It provides an explanation for why the word porneia is used in Matthew’s exception clause instead of moicheia.
- It squares with Matthew’s own use of porneia (for fornication) in distinction from moicheia (for adultery) in Matthew 15:19.
- It fits Matthew’s wider context concerning Joseph’s contemplated “divorce” from Mary (Matt. 1:19).
John Piper, What Jesus Demands From the World, pp.313-316.
The joining together of two people is more than merely physical joining. Through sexual intimacy, you are joined to the other person physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That is why the book of 1 Corinthians warns, “Do you not know that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them the members of a harlot? God forbid! Do you not know that He which is joined to a harlot is one body? For He said, ‘two shall be one flesh’” (6:15-16). In the movie Vanilla Sky, with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz, Cameron’s character, Julie Gianni, asks, “Don’t you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not?” That is putting Paul in contemporary lingo. Once a relationship becomes a unit, God intends it to remain that way. In her excellent book Wait For Me, Rebecca St. James uses this illustration:
If you take one piece of paper and glue it to another piece of paper, both pieces tear when you pull them apart. It is impossible to wind up with two papers that are as flawless as when you started. Because of the glue, each piece of paper is forever left with some parts from the other paper.This is precisely how God designed sex, and He designed it for within marriage. If you go back to the beginning, which is where Jesus and Paul always directed their audience, you will notice that it says, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).
Rebecca St. James, Wait For Me, p.59.
Is there just cause for Christians to divorce today? No! It is unbiblical, not to mention entirely saturated with selfishness. Despite Gomer’s unfaithfulness to Hosea, did Hosea ever divorce Gomer? No. Despite Israel’s unfaithfulness to God, did God ever divorce Israel? No. Despite our unfaithfulness to Christ, does He ever divorce us? No. So why, after you have vowed those sacred vows of unity, “to love, honour, and cherish each other for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse”, do you divorce your spouse? Why, after you have joined yourself to your spouse physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually through sexual intimacy, do you divorce your spouse?
As a Christian, there is never a just cause for filing for divorce. Marriage is a picture of the Gospel. The Gospel teaches us that despite all our sins we can have forgiveness through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:7; Colossians 1:14) and reconciliation to God the Father (Romans 5:10; 2 Corinthians 5:18). If we, as Christians, divorce, what does that tell the world about the Gospel of Jesus Christ if we cannot forgive and be reconciled to each other? What does it tell the world about Christ and His Church? Ask yourself, “If Jesus Christ forgave all of my iniquities, when they were great and heinous acts of rebellion against Him, why can I not—being made in His image and conforming to His likeness—forgive my spouse of his/her iniquities against me?”
If your spouse commits adultery against you, there is no doubt that you would indeed be hurt, you would indeed be angry, and it would indeed be difficult for you to trust him/her again—but not impossible. As much as his/her adultery would hurt you, if you consider all the heinous sins you have committed against Jesus, minute after minute, day after day, year after year, how much pain did you cause Christ? How much pain did He feel on His way to the cross because of your sins? How much pain did He feel when God’s wrath was poured on Him because of your sins? If Christ can forgive you of all your sins against Him, then surely you can forgive your spouse for committing adultery against you. If you are to be anything like Christ, you must.
Jesus said that if we have anything against our brother, we need to go and be reconciled to him (Matthew 5:23-24). In order to be reconciled to him, there must be forgiveness. If there is forgiveness, there will be reconciliation. The two go hand in hand. Jesus said that we must forgive 70 multiplied by 7 times (Matthew 18:22), which means there should be no end to our forgiveness. If we are genuinely forgiving, then there will be reconciliation because that is what forgiveness does—it reconciles.
When Jesus forgives us, we are reconciled to the Father (Romans 5:10; 2 Corinthians 5:18). If we were not reconciled to the Father, then we would not truly have forgiveness. The same is true within marriage. If either spouse commits adultery against the other, genuine forgiveness would and must result in reconciliation. Genuine forgiveness requires reconciliation. If we are who and what we claim to be—Christians, and if we desire to be like Christ, then this is a command for us. We need to think of Christ, think like Christ, and act like Christ.
Even with the sin of adultery, husband and wife can forgive and be reconciled and the marriage can be healed and prosper. Harmony can be restored and the home can be rebuilt. These are the works of God. This is the power of God. If we are Christians and if we are Christ-like, these are our works because we are the image of Christ. Even if adultery took place, we are commanded to forgive and to be reconciled because of what marriage pictures and represents.
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the fornicator and adulterer.” Not just among Christians, among all! Marriage is a serious matter; a serious institution to enter into. It is not to be entered into or taken lightly! We need to guard our hearts and protect the sanctity of our marriage, not allowing ourselves to be placed in compromising situations (1 Thessalonians 5:22) that could open us to temptation and lead us into sin (James 1:14-15), thereby defiling the marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4; Proverbs 6:32). The problem today is that most parents are no longer preparing their children for marriage and most people do not know how to be married. Nobody takes marriage serious any more; they think it is just a game. Most think the Hollywood-ized version of marriage is normal. God sees it quite differently, I assure you.
With regard to God judging adulterers, let us see what Scripture has to say:
9Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.Perhaps you are a Christian and you have had a divorce. Please do not feel as if I am judging you or condemning you. You need to realize that your actions were wrong and you need to kneel before the throne of God and confess your sin of separating what God joined together for life. He will offer you forgiveness, but only if you humble your heart enough to admit you sinned against Him and wronged your spouse, and you repent of your sin.
(1 Corinthians 6:9-10)
19Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, 20sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, 21envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
(Galatians 5:19-21)
If you have divorced, whether having children or not with your first spouse, and there is still opportunity to reconcile with the other person, please obey God and seek to restore what He meant for life. If you seek to honour what God has joined together, He will bless you for it. Otherwise, realize that you are commanded to remain unmarried, for re-marriage is disobedience and is to commit adultery.
If you have re-married, you need to realize that your actions to divorce and re-marry were wrong and that God does not recognize this unsanctioned second union as a marriage. He will not bless it. You need to kneel before the throne of God, confess your sin of separating what God joined together for life, and repent of your sin by leaving this second union. It may mean that you will have to pay child support, but it is better to be in God's graces than to be in a constant state of adultery for which you have no inheritance in the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9-10; Gal. 5:19-21; Heb. 13:4). Only after doing this can you take hold of God's forgiveness. You may have divorced and re-married in your unsaved days, or you may have done so as an ignorant Christian thinking the Bible supported such things. Either way, now that you know the truth, honour God by doing what is right. God does offer forgiveness. Take hold of it and live it out.
With that being said, I must now issue a warning. As a Christian who knows the truth about marriage, divorce, and re-marriage, never presume on the forgiveness of God. In other words, if you know it is wrong to divorce your spouse and re-marry, planning to do so anyway because God will forgive you is a presumption upon His forgiveness. I would not presume on His forgiveness when you are deliberately pre-meditating the committal of sin. You may find out that you do not have His forgiveness after all. Remember, God wants your obedience.
People often ask where grace comes in if you are not permitted to divorce and then re-marry. Do you honestly want to know where grace comes in? Do you? Grace comes in when you are able to forgive your spouse for having committed adultery against you and reconcile with her, strengthening your marriage more than it has ever been. People understand the sin perfectly well, yet are always trying to find some loophole that enables them to commit the sin. These people need to read and understand Matthew 19:12.